How to be a Bad Sales Manager

After having worked for some incredibly bad sales managers, I feel well qualified to give free advice on how become a Sales Bad Manager, or how one can become worse.  Yeah, it is amazing, with all the self help books, courses, blogs, etc., bad managers are still out there waiting to share their experience with more people.  Here goes:

1. Always start by implementing  a new sales strategy. Now let's ignore the fact that most so called "sales strategies" are about the same, yours is truly unique.  Why?  Well, you used it in the past, so it must be good.  That and a "new" strategy gives you about 2 years before you have to be responsible for results.  Two years is enough time to get your salary, some bonuses, get lucky with a few sales, and update your resume for the next gig and probable promotion.
2. Start by firing your sales team, do it slowly, but surely and steadily.  Don't even think about finding out why sales are lagging, bringing in your own team is critical.  It buys you time, again, about 2 years to find a new job where you can share your vast knowledge.  Use terms like: "They just aren't on the same page."; "We need to go in another direction.", etc..  Remember, one or two firings will  buy you a few months. But firing a majority of your team buys you years.  Fire early, fire often, rinse and repeat....
3. Be arrogant and display your authority, with well, authority.  You got this job for a reason.  And that reason was you implemented sales strategies, fired people, got lucky, and looked for the next job, but that is besides the point. Being appointed a manager raises your IQ and talent level, right?
4. Change quotas, change the sales plan, and by all means change the territories. If you have geographic territories, go to named accounts (or vice versa).  Expand territories, shrink them, the possiblities are limitless.  If you have high quotas, make them higher, people love a stretch challenge.   Change is good for all.  If they don't like it, they are obviously disgruntled, pessimistic, or "Not on the same page".  Which gets us back to point #2.  This gives you more opportunities to fire people...
5. Get your "pitch" down.  Here you have to be able to string incomprehensible sentences together so that nobody understands what you said, but you sounded good saying it.  You won't believe how this one little trick has propelled people to higher positions.
6. When sales are lagging, begin the hunt for the innocent.  Don't go after the new people that you had to bring on, because you fired the others, because they have to get up to speed.  Don't look at marketing, or sales techniques, and by all means don't do any coaching.  Yes, this means doing some more firings, acting contrite about it, and hence buying yourself more time (once again).
7. When in doubt, call a sales meeting.  Fill time with mind numbing agendas, and make sure you cover all the new stuff you are implementing, again.  Remember, sales people are not very smart, they must be lectured on a constant basis.  Make it a three day sales meeting.  Don't make time for calls.  And by all means, start a search for the innocent when the forecasts come in low that next month.
8. Forecasts.  You can't get enough  of them.  Prospects all fill the same profile and take the same amount of time, and have the same needs, usually like your old company.  Right?  So forecasts and sales cycles should look the same.  If not, forecast again, and again.  Focus on the forecast, not the process or prospects.  If you look at it long enough, it will become real.  If it doesn't, yes, start the hunt for the innocent again.  Automate the forecast, then fine tune it.  Again, this can buy you another year or two before they catch up to you.  Whatever you do with forecasts, believe them.  Sales people are outstanding when it comes to forecasting.
9. Get a CRM software package.  You guessed it, it will  buy you time.  While it buys you time, the software company will help sell the product to your upper management.  Now remember, software can get screwed up quickly.  Yup, more time to polish up the old resume'.   And remember, before you jump ship, get a copy of all the propects and customers.  A CRM system makes this possible and quick.  Remember, a bad sales manager always has a Rolodex full of contacts, and they make sure new hires have one that they bring along to help fill yours up even more.
10. Focus on the big stuff.  With a new sales process, new forecasting, a new CRM system, and the firings, you will have a minimum of two years before you have to leave to your next job, I mean promotion.  Then repeat the process.  All the while you collect pretty decent money, and if you are really lucky some nice stock options.  Do not focus on building a solid team or company, that only serves to delay your next promotion and is much too risky and takes too much time.  Stay focused....

These are not new tips.  They have been used for years by many in various industries.  There seems to be a school for Bad Sales Managers it is repeated so often.  I am sure there are more pointers out there.  Let me know what yours are and I will post them.  Perhaps set up a Wall of Shame for Bad Sales Managers, the list would long, and no so distinguished....